This is going to be very honest, so first off I would like to say a few words...
I know suicidal thoughts is a very uncomfortable subject for some,
but frankly I don't care because it's too important to keep quiet about.
There are so many people in this world suffering in silence and shame, and that is not at all how it should be
- it is no doubt that we need to keep expanding our culture of openness about mental health.
It is absolutely no shame in being human in all its complexity,
and it is so very important to let every suffering soul out there know they are not alone,
you can make it through - better days will come.
One life lost is one too many.
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Ups and downs come and go, but for some of us there can be a lot more to it than just that... A life-or-death struggle.
When you simply don't want to wake up anymore, and sleeping becomes an escape from the horror of existing. A reverse nightmare - like the relief you feel when you wake up from a bad dream, but instead you wake up into one. A stormy ocean of symptoms (I say symptoms because that's what they are - depression is a disease and clouds your mind), stripped of all energy but constantly having to tread water to keep from drowning.
An intensely painful nightmare which can feel impossible to get through. Paralyzing apathy as nothing seems to make any sense anymore, uncontrollable, gut twisting emotions, increased fatigue and trouble sleeping, haunting feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness and being a burden to everyone around you, constant guilt, loneliness, self-loathing, tearing anxiety, and last but not least... dominating suicide thoughts.
The last factor is the most unbearable, and a continuous battle once your soul gets consumed. For some of us, suicidal thoughts just won't back off. They keep revisiting uninvited whenever depression sneaks up on you - no matter how much healing has occurred during good moods. The darkness just keeps bouncing back like a merciless, untreatable disease.
Fundamentally, we cannot control what thoughts come to us. We can only try to control how we react to them.
No matter how desperately you want these venomous thoughts and feelings to stop kicking you deeper down into the dark abyss, they can sometimes feel impossible to ease. Unfortunately I'm not an expert myself, but I do have a few coping statements I try and soothe myself with whenever this heavy life pain occurs, and I hope someone else out there fighting their own battles might benefit from them too.
I'll admit it can be a hell of a challenge though, since these coping statements are all about trying to be a friend to yourself - which in that moment means being a friend to and care for someone you truly can't stand and who makes you sick to your guts. But at the end of the day, only you can save yourself, and therefore it is so crucial working on trying to come to terms with yourself to some degree, however small - although it can feel as impossible as walking through a brick wall.
The clue is to tell yourself whatever will help you pass safely through the minefield of suicidal thoughts. Simply try and be to yourself the person you need in your life, try guiding your way through the dark maze and don't give up until you can sense a glimpse of light in the other end.
You have to remind yourself that you do not really want to die, you just want the pain to end.
- There are other ways to end your pain, even if you can't see them right now.
- Suicidal thoughts are a symptom, not a solution.
- You're going to get yourself out of this mess. Believe in yourself and know that you'll be okay with time.
- You've been through so much, and you survived. This won't break you.
And last but not least; feelings and mindstates are just visitors - they come and go, to varying degrees.
Take a deep breath and repeat this to yourself whenever you feel like you're losing your grip - and repeat them as many times as needed.
Stop beating yourself up and grant yourself the time, compassion and understanding you need. Remind yourself it's okay to take a break from the world and disappear for a while, until you feel strong enough to manage.
And most importantly, remember that you are not at all alone in this. I see you, I care about you, and I feel your pain. I know the path of healing is hard and can seem impossible, but I promise you it will be worth it once the storm starts to settle, and you finally find some sense of peace again.
If I can make it through, you can too. Know that you are a valuable contribution to this world - you are worth fighting for, you can survive this and better days will come. With time you'll realize you're so much stronger than you think.
Remember there is absolutely no shame in asking for help - it shows strength. If you need someone to talk to,
try opening up to someone you trust, talk to your doctor, or call:
International Suicide & Emergncy Hotlines
